Staring at my clock, it's already 3.34am and the clock still ticks. I realize how fast time goes by when I'm least aware of it. Worst part is, it flies so fast that I'm not making the most of it. It's a shame but most of the time we all do that. There's a whole bunch of statistics to prove that but unfortunately I'm too lazy to Google that out for you now but I can only tell you we spend a significant amount of time each year wasting it doing nothing productive in any way. Nah, I'll spare you and I the long lecture on maximizing the usage of the time give to us each day. I'll be the last person you probably wanna ask on proper time management. Life drifts past us whether we like it or not and only difference is if you wanna let it stroll past you or catch it and run with it.

I wanna run but I'm tired, very tired of running with the flow. Tired of following what others tell me. Tired of the boundaries I'm forced to live in. Tired of the circumstances and consequences that goes against me if I refuse to follow. Tired of the eyes that watches my every move and mocks and laughs at my frailty. Tired of how unreliable friends can be when you need one. Tired of everything. Like a marathon you participate just that you're in the category that has no time limit and the distance is forever. Stop and stare would be my favorite song now and has been the past few weeks. Here's the chorus of it.

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving, but I go nowhere
Yeah, I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be
Ohhh

Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, can you see what I see

Notice the words in bold. With all thats tying me up I really feel I'm not going anywhere and all these have made me someone I'm never. Don't get me wrong. I am still a cheerful person, care-free, caring, understanding and loving. The parts of me that has changed through the years and maybe recently, has made me a much quieter person. Believe me when I say that. Someone whom I share my personal problems with, recently scolded me on my attitude lately - well that was a couple of weeks ago and I'm working on it seriously. I've become more reserved, quiet, sometimes too still, but definitely not as enthusiastic, loving and friendly I was last year. That's when I know unconsciously I've built walls around me. Around my jovial spirit. I realize with all that is around me, I've truly become someone I'm not. I just wished things would've been fairer to me. Everything would be as simple and straight forward it can be. Complexity is never my war zone. It leaves the common question amongst us, "Why can't things be any easier?"

One thing's for sure, all these years my emotions dictated my game play. Not just that but a fear in me, that my jovial and care-free spirit would give everyone an impression of immaturity on me. It wouldn't bother me much back then, but hey, that was when I was in my teens. I'm 21 this year and I need to start being more mature. If you think it's still early cause I'm ONLY 21, then shame on you. I don't have the luxury of staying a "kid" or "teen" forever. So yeah, maybe I can narrow it down between expectations I've to meet and the circumstances around me If I ever fail to achieve it. It drives me crazy and it sure as heck drive me nuts. And yes, that's one of the reasons why I'm "emo" from time to time or most of the time. Geez, did I ask for it? Last checked nope.

Like a pigeon who's wings is tied up preventing it from flying even after recovering, the pigeon wants to fly badly. I wanna be myself, doing the things I enjoy or WANT TO DO with no chains. Not with circumstances or rules or boundaries tying me up. Chem/Biology 101, human emotions that are stored up in the person not expressed is turned into a toxin that harms the body in a long run. See how people with mental issues die too early? Suffering from things like depression, Schizophrenic, sleeping disorder and stress end up in health issues like loss of proper mental state, high blood pressure and worst of all, OD and died on your own bed.

P.S: Funny how an engineering student knows things like this. Scary what we can learn in our free time haha!!

I may sound all emotional now typing this. At the start yes I admit I was. But I took the liberty of calming down and going through my words one by one making sure I don't my emotions get the better of me in this post. As conscious, awake and human as i can be, I'm typing this. I know some of us are like that. We all live in expectations and boundaries set by our parents, our boss, our friends, our mentors, our lecturer and even our loved ones. It's harsh and it REALLY HURTS but thats how life can be some times. . Realizing is always the first step towards solution. Admitting is the second step. Getting help is the third and final step. Where do you stand today? "so won't you break free, break free get up and dance?" familiar?

Stand up and be counted!!!